Top 10 of 2011

Movies are terrible. TV shows are a heartbreaking mess. Comic books are event filled nonsense. Yet I still watch and read them. This is long winded. It's got a lot of "opinions" in it and for that I'm sorry. If you actually read this I owe you one. 2011 was nasty. Here are a few of the ones I kinda sorta liked.

10. Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol: Director - Brad Bird

I honestly think that JJ Abrams' brilliant MI:3 is one of the best action films of the 2000's. Maybe top 5 for me. It's incredible. He took a dying franchise, gave it new life, seriousness, and non-fucking-stop action. For real, there is hardly a static scene of dialogue in that movie and the few there are have a looming sense of pure mayhem ahead. This movie is kinda sorta the same. Bird brings it in his first live action feature, a few old dogs with the same tricks (Pegg mostly), and a lot of silly shit in this movie make it just a hair below it's predecessor for me. However the action set pieces in this are astonishing. Seeing it on IMAX helped too, it was almost too much. My hang ups are mostly fanboyish. I really liked the crew from the previous movie (Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Maggie Q sup) and neither of them reprise their roles, however the addition of one of my favorite actors, Jeremy Renner almost made up for that. But was that enough to make up for a criminally underused Josh Holloway? We may never know. I don't know why I'm complaining shit blows up and Tomcat just wrecks everyone who crosses his path. This movie rules.

9. Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil: Director - Eli Craig

I think that Alan Tudyk is one of the most underrated actors working today. Him alone would have been good enough for me but to see him lob it up for Tyler Labine to consistently knock it out of the park was a stroke of buddy movie genius. Who knew these two dudes would work so well together? It's hilarious, it's heartwarming, it's gore-soaked. It's amazing. It doesn't hurt that first time director Eli Craig chose to lampoon an odd and often forgotten subgenre of horror, that is of course rural creep/hillbilly horror. A genre very near and dear to my heart. So much of this movie overshadows the fact that it really is a tragically Canadian production. I'll forgive it that because it really shoots a bullseye to everything in it's sights. Only downside? I wish the trailer wouldn't have given away everything but I guess that can be said for most trailers these days. Oh and the song at the end credits. For real, dawg?

8. The Dead: Director(s) - Howard J. Ford & Jonathan Ford

I could not care less for the zombie genre anymore. I'm a 27 year old male, it's 2012 and I just don't do it anymore. I've got bills to pay, grown up (ehhh) responsibilities to attend to, it's just not gonna happen. You know what it is? I've been burned too many times, and too many fucking times in the 2000's. Never again will I fall victim to bullshit like Land of the Dead or another direct to video Return of the Living Dead sequel I've just had enough. I feel like, as a horror nerd, I'm supposed to be a zombie guy (and in a lot of ways I am, Hell the shit shaped my childhood) but it's too entry level for me, it's too been-there-done-that for me at this point. I sound jaded because my idols have fucking sold me out and they are fucking traitors. This movie however...kinda changes the game. Sure there are tons against it. God awful CGI in parts that are maybe unnecessary (airplane, head/body shots when obvious practical effects have already been used well, etc), amateur actors, mega low budget for such an incredibly high concept, the list goes on. But the story is so compelling, the two leads so gripping that you can't help but look way past the obvious hang ups because this movie has what the other bigger guys don't have and that's heart. The movie kick starts so hard, man washed up on beach infested with the slowest zombies I've ever seen (seriously, thank you!) and has to figure out how to get out of the situation while the rest of his crew are torn apart or selfishly escape. From here on out it's such a simple survival horror story very reminiscent of 1970's tough guy movies. It's genius lies in it's simplicity. Guy has to get from point A to point B and must survive in this scenario while the world unfolds around him. Set in grass huts and tribal dudes Africa, and with enough legit gore to satisfy the hardest of gorehounds the movie is yes a zombie movie but so much more than that at the same time. Rob Freeman and Prince David Oseia bring a much needed seriousness to such an absurd situation. They're great, what else is there to say? Stoic, hardened, men. It really is a very masculine movie, much like that of John Carpenter's The Thing. They're complex, caring, and above all level headed individuals who may not share a common ground politically or whatever else but work so well together. My favorite thing about this movie is when it starts there is like 5 minutes of mayhem as you're in a plane crash scene, then seriously like a half hour of no dialogue just pure story. It's awesome. Really well done and exceptionally authentic. Everyone should see this movie. Bravo, Ford Brothers for making such an impressive movie on what I've read and heard was a cursed production. Hope you guys recovered from the malaria, I'll kick myself forever for missing this in it's limited run at the Pickford Cinema.

7. Herschell Gordon Lewis: The Godfather of Gore: Director(s) - Frank Henenlotter & Jimmy Maslon

A great movie. Maybe not an expertly made documentary but an excellent movie about friendship, movie making, and how a DIY ethic could craft a generation of film. Listening to these old timers talk so candidly about the things they did as naive kids (more or less) mostly to make a buck or by accident that would go on to change film making just leaves me in awe. It's everything I love about movies. Fuck Hugo, this is my love letter to cinema. This I get. Covering the span of early "nudie cutie" exploitation to his brilliant gore trashsterpieces of the 60's it's everything I wanted in an examination on HG Lewis' life. His friends, his business partners, his relationships, just what is it that makes him tick. It also doesn't hurt to see people like John Waters and Joe Bob Briggs gush about his movies just like I do. Great stuff. Anyone interested in film making should see this and see how it was done and how it influenced what we loved as kids and what we watch today.

6. Super: Director - James Gunn

Slither is one of my favorite movies of all time. A punch to the gut in that magical little period in the mid-2000's when all bets were off and true horror was prevalent and also selling theater tickets (weird right?). I was eager, and dying for more. I wanted to see what exactly Gunn had in store for me next. It's a played out theme, the reluctant everyman dons cape and cowl and goes out as a vigilante. Actually there have been quite a few of these movies in the last couple of years. This one is way different though in that it's quite effective (much like Michael Rapaport's great Special) and very, very, sad. I loved that about this flick, it's super bleak, it doesn't really pull any punches and much like it's lead character, Frank, it's a damaged movie. It's weird. It has bizarre casting. It is ultra violent and it's unforgiving. I thought it was a good movie while watching it at the theater, it wasn't until Frank's dialogue with Kevin Bacon's character towards the end of the movie that elevated it to great movie in my mind. It's touching. It's a great subject of male inadequacy and delusional self importance. It's super deep for such a shallow seeming movie. A movie that deserves a closer look I think. I loved it.

5. Take Shelter: Director - Jeff Nichols

It took me forever to see this flick and I'm so glad I didn't fly by it. I missed it's unfair limited run at the Limelight and I kinda forgot about it for a while. It's amazing. The performances are great, Michael Shannon not getting an Oscar nod is a shame, yada yada yada, you've read it all before. What I liked more than Shannon's acting 101 seminar in this was it's unbelievable tone. Dread. Sadness. Misery. The idea of family turning on you, or the idea of marriage turning you into a monster. Every fucking theme, idea, and weight of importance that Melancholia tried to accomplish was just laid out and nailed to the wall here. The sense of impending doom is scary in the movie, no doubt, but what's more unsettling is the fact that you so badly want this character to be right about such an awful premonition. You pray for this outcome, for this tragedy. It's awesome. The dream scenes are such a desired nightmare that once they come you're scared that you even wanted to see more of it. The Ohio setting, loved how they photographed it. Loved the David Wingo score, every swell tore me to pieces it was just so fucking effective. For what it's worth, and without spoiling it, I thought it was one of the best endings ever. Can't wait to watch it again.

4. Your Highness: Director - David Gordon Green

Yup, fuck you. One of the few movies this year where when it was over I immediately started it over again. It's not dumb as hell, it's a great fucking movie! Maybe you just didn't get it, maybe you didn't grow up with sword and sorcery movies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's everything I wanted. James Franco's accent, his singing, McBride's accent, how could you not love this? Green knocks it out of the park in his little indie darling movies, Hollywood takes notice and gives him the ability to make a movie he's always wanted to make and not what everyone thinks he should make and tells everyone to fuck off basically. Some asshole gave these dudes money to have McBride go down on a wizard puppet. Think about that for a second and try and tell me it's not brilliant.

3. Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Director - Rupert Wyatt

My heart has been broken for over a decade. Tim Burton fucked me pretty hard. I'll never forgive him. And like a lover who has been fucked over by the hot chick I'll probably never trust anyone ever again. I was weary of this flick. I wasn't ready for CG apes. My mother got me the Apes boxset when I was a kid, and it was one of the first times that I fell head over heels for a sci-fi property. The first being Star Wars but there was something different, something special about Apes that Luke and company just couldn't provide. I was a young, impressionable punk rocker and I was struck pretty fierce by the political and animal rights aspects of the original Apes and it was a very important movie to me. I am by all accounts an Apeman. There are few of us around. When this came out I couldn't believe the reviews I was reading, people are liking this? People are loving this. But are they Apemen? I went. I was floored. This movie was made JUST for people like me! This is for Apemen! It took me all but 5 seconds to get over CG apes because Caesar was as compelling a character as the humans in the movie. There are massive amounts of this movie I think are dumb, I hate John Lithgow his Alzheimer acting was a bummer. Franco was just baked out of his mind, he's barely "acting" and it's kind of a weighty role. The chick is fucking awful in it. But the apes! Once again someone gives the subject matter a serious tone and a complex ape character to a dying franchise and above all else it works. The Caesar arc was what really drew me in. His transformation, his self discovery and journey of individuality was as important as that of Equality 7-2521 in Ayn Rand's "Anthem". And Caesar's words echo that of the being learning the word "EGO" in "Anthem" it's just a punch to the gut. The word "NO" to an authoritative rule being the first words spoken was just a reassurance of our own obsolete nature, that man would fall and deservingly so. This flick touched a nerve on that dystopian sci-fi geek that still lives inside me. Excellent flick.

2. Drive: Director - Nicolas Winding Refn

Opening scene is movie making perfection to me. From score, to photography, to acting, to setting. It just doesn't get any better than that for a Michael Mann fanboy. It's L.A. noir, it's a fitting addition to that book, to Heat, or Blade Runner. Drive just delivers. There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said.

1. Fast Five/Attack the Block: Director(s) - Justin Lin & Joe Cornish

Yep, it's a tie. I can't for the life of me pick one over the other. Fast Five being everything I've ever wanted in an action movie, and everything I've ever dreamed of for a Fast & Furious sequel. And Attack the Block being what I wished Super 8 was. The British one is under 90 minutes and gets mega points for that, it's the standard by which I feel all movies should be. The one with The Rock is over two hours long and it gets a pass because of well everything that's in that run time. John Boyega gave the performance of the year for me personally. His character, his demeanor, his complexity, he's the anti-hero of the year for sure. My favorite moments in that flick were Moses centered for sure. When his sad, and unkept room and living situation are reveled, when he squares off in the hallway against the monsters at the end, and when he's arrested and being taken away with Pest and the realization that not only is he a hero to the loved ones around him but the the entire community it's just incredible story telling for such a bizarre little underdog of a movie. It provided a much needed b-side to Abrams' Super 8 which while I loved it, was flawed and Attack the Block was just what an alien invasion vs. kids movie in 2011 needed. It's everything I love about low budget/independent/whatever film making. Oh and I saw Fast Five five times in the theater. Fuck the world.

Dang there it is. A dumb year for movies. Read my hated list below this one. Also I promise no more non-horror/exploitation movies from here on out on the Holocausto. Honest. I just have been putting off this list for fucking months now and it was high time to get my thoughts out for myself. It was rough year, I saw a ton and I didn't like most of them. I am grateful for a few people this year who were instrumental in my viewings and love of flick watching, thanks go to Mikiech, Joey, Swank, Sean, Roe, Nick the Dick and the crew at Sunset and the Pickford. Here are my honorable mentions that didn't make the cut but came pretty close; Cedar Rapids, Super 8, Captain America, Martha Marcy May Marlene, Bridesmaids, Friends With Kids, Spokanarchy!, Life in a Day. That about sums it up. I'm already dreading facing 2012. So much bullshit on the horizon.

2011 least favorites. I watched them so you don't have to...

I hated so many movies in 2011. It was pathetic. I kept watching them, some while on the job, most in the discomfort of my living room. Either way this last year I did some suffering. For who's benefit? I'm still trying to figure that one out. I'll dispense with the shit (damn veggies) before I get to the good ones (desert). It should be noted that there are PLENTY of awful movies that I didn't watch in 2011 (The Help, Tin-Tin, The Iron Lady, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Fucking Stupid, Albert Knobbs, The Rum Diaries, Hugo, The Muppets, Carnage, Tree of Life, Dragon Tattooz, The Artist. I vow to myself to NEVER see these fucking cock sucking shit fests until the day I die.) Also if you like these movies go fuck yourself.

1. Season of the Witch: Director - Dominic Sena

Look obviously this sucks, that's no big deal. It was a January dump of a studio interfered shit show. Here's the thing, I freaking love Gone in 60 Seconds (2000), and I have a pathetic attachment to Swordfish (2001). I know they're both bad movies but I can't help it, I was (and still am) an impressionable red blooded American teenager and I had hoped that Sena teaming up with the forces of the Cage would have made for a fun time but this is like Uwe Boll bad. Oh well.

2. The Dilemma: Director - Ron Howard

Pathetic. Long. Infected with disease. A despicable attempt at humor, this movie is what I gauged every big budgeted star powered comedic vehicle of 2011. Most didn't sink as low as this bargain bin nonsense but whatever. Fucking hope Richie Cunningham rots in Hell for this one. Such a gross movie.

3. Just Go With It: Director - Dennis Dugan

I rarely ever turn a movie off before it's over and I've never once walked out of a movie in the theaters. I didn't finish this one. I think I was watching it with my friend Joey and we both agreed that it was on some The Dilemma shit. Sits nicely in a bed of puke with it's contemporaries Grown Ups, I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. I wish Adam Sandler would put a bullet in his own fucking face. Go away. You got lucky in your 20's.

4. Hall Pass: Director(s) - The Farrelly Brothers

What a pile of vomit. Neither funny nor relatable. This is just like the previous "comedies". It's an antiquated fiction. It should not exist in 2011. We've come too far. This is white privilege. These are stories of rich white men who do white people things. This is product placement. This is "crude and in your face!". This is pathetic. This is what white old men do to latch onto their past, their previous successes. For every one of these Owen Wilson/Adam Sandler/whoever the fuck else needs a paycheck movies I'm sure there are a million sketch comedy YouTube videos that are a million times better. I want this garbage to disappear.

5. I Saw The Devil: Director - Jee-woon Kim

You're movie is too fucking long and repetitious. Asian "extreme" cinema you are nothing but a played out parody of yourself. The climax was satisfying, half because it was cool (I'll give ya that one) and half because this stupid shit show was over. I've never felt more tortured this year. I never want to watch another one of these, I don't care what a mouth breathing fucking moron from bloodydisgusting.com says. Go away.

6. Battle: Los Angeles: Director - Jonathan Liebesman

How could you fuck this up? I love so many things about this movie that I absolutely hated (got that?). Marines are cool as shit. Aliens are pretty tight. It was a bummer to get through. I did like the ending though where they decide instead of a break and leave time they're like "fuck that the crew stays together and we're gonna mosh more invaders". That was cool. But really just a CGI festival of distracting poppycock. I could go on about the characters, and the plot and all that but I won't because that is dumb. Almost as dumb as this movie.

7. Paul: Director - Greg Mattola

I liked Adventureland, I liked Superbad I thought this one sucked. Frost and Pegg are fun to watch together but without the Wright stuff it's just no bueno. I get that this is silly and I know it's supposed to be fun, but Seth Rogan's voice is obnoxious and some geeks (me) don't like it when your movie is saturated in geek culture. This was on some Dude, Where's My Car shit. Next.

8. Thor: Director - Kenneth Branagh

Kenneth Branagh's Thor. Take a minute with that. Absurd. Kurosawa's Plastic Man! Godard's Dazzler! This is a fucking joke right? Dutch angles should be thrown out, there was so fucking much of it. I don't believe that beautiful as fuck Natalie Portman and mega rack Katt Dennings are fucking astro physicists or whatever the fuck they are. Nor do I believe they have an office like that. I don't know why but the office they work in really bothered me. Like modern architecture with a billion windows in the ID4 desert town for a chick who drives a shitty jeep and I just my fucking brain hurts. This is CGI fucking nonsense again. Also bugs me when footage on the trailer, a device meant to entice movie goers, is not in the movie or altered for the movie (Predators I'm looking at your stupid fucking mug). Comic book movies are fucking bullshit. 7-11 product placement is annoying. Cool you have a slurpee cup for your disaster of a computer generated movie, does that mean I have to see your stupid business in the movie? Like I'm stuck in the theater, I want a slurpee and a jalepeno cream cheese thing enough as it is just stop it. Edris Elba made this movie barely tolerable. Everything else was like watching a Power Rangers episode.

9. The Hangover Part 2 Director - Todd Philips

What a weird thing to do. Remake the first movie for a sequel. Still think Evil Dead 2 is weird. I'll think this is weird for forever too.

10. X-Men First Class: Director - Matthew Vaughn

Same shit as Thor only without the dutch angels. Vaughn, you've worked with Nic Cage before why the fuck couldn't he have been Sebastion Shaw? It would have been incredible. Everything about this is offensive. The holocaust crap, Bacon's accent, the X team they assembled (Angel Salvadore? You're going to bring it there?) to the worst fucking bad guys in Marvel history (Riptide...just let that sink in for a sec). You've wasted an opportunity to make a substantial entry into a fucking broken franchise of pure rubbish. You laid images of serious drama with fucking nonsense like Emma Frost's weird like disco ball shit. This movie is guilty of too many things. If someone could make the superhero mytho meaty and with depth and with gravity that I'd watch. This was fluff. It's a good popcorn movie, but there are FAR better out there. I wanted this to be great, I wanted this to be that meaty superhero movie but instead I was given Azazel and Banshee. Jennifer Lawrence's big ass is the only thing that saved this movie. This movie was squandered on the unfit.

11. Cowboys and Aliens: Director - Jon Favreau

You broke through the indie scene, you directed a couple of good flicks, you climbed your way through this piss and the blood of the Hollywood septic tank and you gave the world two mammoth beasts of Iron Man movies. What's the one thing you want to do next? You can have your pick. Cowboys...and Aliens? You sure, dude? You're positive? I've never laughed so hard at someone falling so hard in all my life. You're movie is fucking trash and offensive to my people. Go away.

12. The Change-Up: Director - David Dobkin

More of what I expect. "I hope this isn't on the level of The Dilemma" I kept saying to myself, and it jusssssssssst barely was above that. More "aspirational" living white male filth. Aside from that this movie's most offensive (and boy is it fucking ever) crime is CGI nudity. Yep. Read that again. This movie has women in it who are NOT naked and then with computer imaging have been removed of clothes or pasties or whatever and are then falsely nude on screen. And enhanced. And without flaw. This speaks more ill of our pathetic society and culture than the baby shit jokes ever could. Olivia Wilde, if you're going to bare all and cover your nipples with pasties only to CGI nipples on them...just get fucking naked. Or tell your agent you don't want to do false CG nudity. How fucked up is that? You too Leslie Mann. That scene where you're naked (fake naked) is so fucking weird. And to do nudity (granted false weird ass computer nudity) in a movie of this caliber is just so fucking beneath both of these chicks. Gross move, Hollywood.

13. Colombiana: Director - Olivier Megaton

What a mess. Also Cliff Curtis playing a latino. Classic move there dipshits.

14. The Ides of March: Director - George Clooney

Political thriller written by the guy who gets his head pulled off by gorillas in Congo based off a Broadway play I want to stab myself through my nose and into my brain go away you fucking Oscar bait bullshit filth. Everyone liked you and paid attention to you because it was high profile and because there weren't any better movies out this year. You're as forgettable as stupid shit like Breach or The Interpreter. This is safe movie making. This is the machine at work. This is "acting". This is diarrhea. Gosling made it barely tolerable.

15. The Thing: Director - Matthijs van Heijngen Jr.

Too much to say about this one. Just offensive on a lot of levels. You tried and I can't fault you for that, but the Carpenter one is a personal little baby of a movie of mine. I don't like you.

16. Red State: Director - Kevin Smith

A confusing bullshit fest of personal politics masquerading as a horror film. Offensive as a horror movie nerd in thinking that you can step out of your genre into a ten times more complicated genre (horror) because it's "easy". Well you fucking failed and I get it, it's not a horror movie in it's traditional sense, more in the fact that it's a horror story of our contemporary culture but I don't care you thought you could step into the ring and have a go at it and you fell on your fucking face. Also chest mounted face cam is fucking bullshit and just because you can't afford a tripod doesn't mean you should just fucking shake the camera the whole time. You're an idiot.

17. No Strings Attatched: Director - Ivan Reitman

Oh how the mighty have fallen. This is what the kids are into right? Texting what's that? Is that what the kids are doing these days? I don't need fucking old white men to tell me what's cool, or what a cool house is, or a cool car to drive, or how to be like fucking Ashton Kutcher. This shouldn't exist! It's offensive to real people, to people who work for a living, who live a real life, who exist in a world not placated by fucking rubbish "problems" that of the characters in this flick! You have within your grasp a cast of varying talent (Portman, fire your fucking agent) and the ability to make something in a tired and played out romantic comedy genre and instead you give us the same beats and the same cliches. Luckily there is one movie that defied the giant, that stepped to the plate and took a different approach (more on that movie in my best of list if I can make it that far) and succeeded. There is hope. But not much. I like romantic comedies. I want to believe that we can be offered something better than lowest common denominator crap like this. This movie you've seen before. You've seen it in the trailer. You know it. It's like a comfortable blanket only it's riddled with small pox and it's no fucking good for you.

18. Hobo With a Shotgun: Director - Jason Eisener

Like my friend Tyler said, everything I hate about amateur film making. Tragically Canadian. I don't even want to waste time slamming this. It had heart, it was made by passionate in the know people, but there are bigger fish to fry. Also I will be skipping movies I hated like, Creature, Bloodlust Zombies, Chillerama or Slime City Massacre because while yes they're awful they are not the villains. Still fuck this movie in it's ass.

19. Melancholia: Director - Lars Von Trier

This movie panders to it's audience. The mind numbing nature of it's first act is more than enough to push the most patient viewer to the limits of suicide. The banal existence of such fucking high praised poppycock is ever perplexing. I get it. I just don't fucking like it. White people. They get depressed. I get it. It's a subject matter I could enjoy. But it wasn't as low as I wanted it to be. It masked it's depression with annoying allegory. It's endless trite buffoonery is disguised with critical platitudes and thus a subconscious objectivity is taken out of the minds of it's beard stroking audience. The wool is pulled firmly over the eyes in an attempt to mask this movie as more than it is. Boring. Meaningless. "Art". I have a fondness for depressing thematic musing though I feel this movie missed it's shot completely. If I here one more person say that Mary Jane gave a "daring" performance because she shows her cans I'll fucking snap. If you've fooled yourself into liking or appreciating this fucking hand held shaky as shit fuck fest of movie then you are an idiot. I wish that god damned planet had crashed into me while I was watching it. NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT.

Welp I couldn't make it to 20, it's just too depressing. 19 pieces of fucking filth that I had to suffer through. I hope you don't make the same mistakes I made. I hope that you can learn to spot bullshit like Melancholia and lower your guard and enjoy movies like Fast 5. We're humans we should like what we like, I don't want you to fight it. To another year of crap.

-Keith

Alien from the Deep (1989)

Director - Antonio Margheriti

It's been over a year and a half since my last serious review. And I really use the word "serious"...well not seriously. Watched this movie last night and felt compelled to put it up on the Mondo. It's a great (terrible) movie and from a new DVD releasing company that should be brought to more people's attention. Also it's suuuuuuuuuch a shitty movie, so it's right at home here. Boom.

The box promises what looks like a super cool mega robot/alien hybrid with a huge ripper-claw capable of puncturing the soft DVD case and destroying your brain. What's actually given to the viewer is (no joke) a full hour of pure misery and then a kinda sorta alien thing shows up. I will from here on out judge a persons survival instinct well if they tell me they've sat through this whole thing. You will be cool. Um, I'm going to skip the plot breakdown as it is completely dumb and just move on to the good stuff.

(Marina Giulia Cavalli AKA "Julie McKay" actually American and actually a total babe)

Babes. Not a lot of female characters here. Actually you wanna get real? I believe there is only one female on screen in the entire movie. There are a ton of extras, and a lot of shitty characters that offer up either meaningless dialogue (Charles Napier drops in for a head scratching appearance. Awesome.) or they get killed off really fast, but make no mistake none of them are women. I guess no other chick is hot enough to star opposite Marina Giulia Cavalli as she is just a complete fox and makes me wish I had known about her sooner. I haven't seen her in much else before this but oh my god. She's super hot, and other than that she total sucks in this movie. Disclaimer. She does not get naked in this flick, but she does have a Red Shoe Diaries in her credit so there is hope. I will report back as needed.

The movie has an overwhelming Bruno Mattei vibe to it. It looks like one thing (cool) and gives you something completely opposite (crappy). A good chunk of it takes place in the jungle. The effects are just so god awful as is the music. So it would make sense that Franco Gaudenzi would be the producer here, having produced some of my absolute favorite Mattei flicks. Not a usual for Margheriti but interesting to note none the less.

(she was touched by that...uh..alien claw thing! quick, to the "decontamination chamber!" leave the white shirt on!")

So the best thing about the plot is how the alien aspect just completely sidetracks from the main (real) plot of the movie. The first two acts of the movie go along and it's pure italio-jungle adventure. Think Massacre at Dinosaur Valley ( 1985), or Cozzi's brilliant Contamination (1980) with a dose of environmental terror ala the Spanish/Italian co production The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue (1974). Throw in an Alien (1979) rip-off for the last 30 minutes of the movie and now you've seen it.

And when I say Alien rip-off I mean two idiots running around an E-Chem biological complex (abandoned rock quarry) fending off a big claw that pops up from the ground from time to time. It's seriously not even an alien, it's a claw or...arm for the whole bit until the last five minutes when it finally mutates into a totally fucking rad gigantic alien that is obviously hoisted up by a crane and fought off by a yellow forklift (couldn't afford a powerloader). As soon as it gets good, it gets over and the credits are rolling. It's pretty rad.

(it's sooooooo crappy looking)

So One Seven Movies put this out, and it's a part of of the initial four DVDs they've released this quarter. Hell of a way to start up a DVD company in my opinion. This isn't their first rodeo though, One Seven was started by a founding member of the No Shame/MYA DVD folks, so you get the idea. I picked up another one of theirs, The Sins of Madam Bovery (1969) mostly for Edwige Fenech, but it was cool to see this new company put out some good exploitation/euro erotica that otherwise would not have been released here. So thank you, One Seven Movies.

(AUGHHH THIS MOVIE IS NOT AS GOOD AS ALIEN! LET'S ROCK! THIS TIME IT'S WAR!)

If you see this movie you'll be mad at me so just read this, watch the trailer and you'll be good. Oh yeah there are two, count em TWO shower scenes in this movie.

RIP Antonio Marghereti.

5/10

Chopping Mall (1986)

Director - Jim Wynorski



The glory days of the video cassette, when video stores had the curtained "back room" and the 3-B's (blood, breasts and beasts) reigned over the horror video market. A time long since forgotten. Chopping Mall perhaps one of the best examples of the time. Eye catching bloody box cover art, a big time VHS company logo on the side, and a "R" rating on the back. What kid wouldn't see this on the shelf and not want to rent it? That was the case for me anyway as a youth when it comes to Chopping Mall.

You don't need to know the plot. It doesn't matter, all you need to know is that killer robots have sparked to life and are killing (...chopping, if you will) a group of kids who work in the mall and are partying there after hours. Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet 1984) leads the "star" power as the wholesome chick who is not like her whoreish friend/co-workers. She just finds love after the mall has closed it's gates with a dude while they watch b-movies with each other. The romantic sub-plot gets blown to bits as heads start to explode off, and throats are slit by hands of the new security bots roaming the shopping center.


(the last precious moment before death...by laser from a killbot)

Now, I know what you're thinking...mechanical killers and a mall, sounds gaytarded, and you'd be very wrong. This is hands down the Citizen Kane of killer-robot-run-amok-in mall-vs. teens-exposed breasts-propane bomb films. This isn't your parent's malfunctioned-robot-massacre-in a mall movies. That's a fact. This is the end all be all.


(Johnny-5 is a bitch)

Chances are you've seen it, as it has cult status, but if you haven't I highly suggest it. Mindless action, some good gore, a head explodes, there are naked chicks, and (of course) a shit load of killer robots who have a taste for stupid shit teens. Keep your eye out for the use of 80's movie poster art, and while your at it check out director Jim Wynorski's other movies (Busty Cops, The Breastford Wives, The Da Vinci Coed, and House on Hooter Hill) as they're also of high caliber and should not be missed.

Classic flick right here.

10/10

Combat Shock (1986)

Director - Buddy Giovinazzo



"Makes you want to slit your wrists..." - William Lustig (Director of Maniac)

Anyone who has read this dumb blog (...anyone? no?) knows that I love 1980's New York in any kind of movie. This could be the definite scum trashterpiece NYC flick of all time.

Frankie is an unemployed Vietnam veteran living in Staten Island with his nagging wife, and deformed, always-crying-baby. His child is deformed due to Frankie's exposure to agent orange in 'nam. Frankie struggles to get out of bed to face his harsh reality. The unemployment line is longer than expected, the eviction notice is on his door, his friends are junkies shaking him down, and he owes money to everyone on the street. Frankie's life is complete shit, he can't catch a break and everyone is out to get him. He's a nice guy, just beaten down. A series of flashbacks from the war show him on his own in the jungle as he is forced to do things to children to save his own life. He is captured and put into a POW camp for years and years.


("I see it all so...clearly now")

All of the horrors of war stick with Frankie, but the hard part wasn't over. His life afterwards is what pushes him over the edge. The movie hits like a boot to the teeth, it's bleak, sad, and unrelenting in it's pessimistic direction, and it never lets up. Underpasses, cockroach filled apartments, and the cracked sidewalks of New York City paint the backdrop. It's awesome, it's harsh, but it rules. Child hookers, crackheads, pimps, violence, all rolled up in one block of Staten Island. This isn't a romp, nor is it light hearted. It is, however, a pretty rad, albeit art house version of 80's New York. Think somewhere between Taxi Driver (1976), Eraserhead (1977) and the obvious precursor to Van Bebber's urban nightmare epic Deadbeat at Dawn (1988). The greatness of the flick is it's ending, there is nothing "shocking" until the ending. It just drags you through a day in the life of this dude, and then bam it smacks you in the face. You can kind of see it coming but it's such a good way to end the movie. Perhaps the saddest part of Frankie's existence is after he is rejected from the unemployment office. He stumbles back out in his ghetto to a phone booth to try and reconcile with his dying father whom he had a falling out with some years prior. Needless to say his father isn't going to loan him any money, so Frankie turns to crime. He's too much of a nice guy to be well suited for the gig, but goes through with it anyway. Again, that doesn't end well. He hits bottom pretty hard. Get through the first 90 minutes, you'll watch his grasp on reality slip every step of the way. It's tight.

The real gem here is the new 2-Disc Tromasterpiece DVD that Troma just put out. There is the theatrical cut of the movie that you may have seen before (with commentary by the director and Jorg Buttgereit the director of Nekromantik this was the audio track on the old Troma DVD release), and there is the 9 minute longer director's cut that was shown at film festivals in the late 80's under it's original tittle American Nightmares. I watched the Director's cut, it's good, it drags a bit but that's the point. The second disc has great, great bonus features including a new documentary on the influence, outrage, and impact the movie had. Watch as dudes like William Lustig, Jim Van Bebber, and John McNaughton gush on how much they love the movie. It's cool, it's cool to hear Van Bebber talk about how people called Deadbeat... a rip-off of this and acknowledged how different they really are. 8 short films and music videos find their way onto the disc, a new interview with Buddy Giovinazzo, Lloyd Kaufman and Buddy talk about the flick in another feature from a film festival. Another cool interview is with Rick Giovinazzo (star and brother of the director) about the movie. Some fun stuff like classic locations are shown what they look like today. Nerd stuff basically.

The 2-Disc is worth picking up for the great bonus features. If you liked the Dark Sky Films Van Bebber box set then this is just like that and you'll dig it. I really dug the movie, I'm glad we got it in at the store. I threw it up on the new release wall and some people have rented it already. One dude was really bummed on it. Oh well.

7/10

Unhinged (1982)

Director - Don Gronquist



What a pile.

Portland, Oregon makes a slasher movie. Three chicks on their way to a rock concert get in a car accident in the middle of nowhere, they wake up to some total weirdo spinster taking care of them. They hang out at this weird ass mansion where an old lady reigns over in a strange anti-male kind of regal authority. Virtually no plot follows as the three girls are killed off, kinda sorta, way too far into the movie. Why were so many stalk and slash 80's flicks fixated on gender issues and retarded people? Insensitivity in the 80's I suppose, but seriously some weird stuff going on. A bevy of homosexual/transgender/whatever hang ups ensue this mediocre slash flick. Some good scenes here and there, minimal gore, and a rad synth soundtrack make this just tolerable enough. I'm not even going to get into the specifics as this movie sucks so bad, but I will post some highlights ala Joe Bob Briggs.

Drive-In Totals:

1 nude scene within the first 5 minutes
2 shower scenes
1 scythe swipe death
Tard Fu followed by headshot
1 claw hammer-face-combo
1 tranny
30+ machete stabs to a girls face


(Booya, told you about the hammer smashed face.)

All in all a pretty low body count (4), and you keep waiting for the gore since this is a "video nasty", and you keep waiting for the gratuitous nudity. While they never really come, when bits of it do show up (shower scenes/scythe throat slash) you get pretty excited. I was talking to my friend John while watching this, discussing how the "classics" are classics for a reason because they're good. When it comes to slasher flicks there is nothing new under the sun, the reason why you've never seen this movie is because it's not very good. Watch Black Christmas (1974) instead if you must, you'll get more out of it with the creepy pervert angle and the stalking/slashing.


(The 80's trend of girls wearing sports jerseys to bed needs to continue. This is post showering together by the way.)

My VHS copy was purchased at the Westside Mini Mart on Tieton Drive in Yakima, WA. It's the Lighthouse Home Video (?) release, the box art is fucking rad and the box is cut up and put into a clam shell case. The blurbs on the back are pretty cool; "Hideous! Just what the market needs." and "Gore lovers will wallow in it!" and there are pictures of all of the death scenes in the synapse. I don't know much about Lighthouse Home Video, but this was put out in 1983 in it's "Unrated" cut, so I have some faith that this isn't the censored version and I don't want to buy this on DVD to see if there is anything different. A cheap ploy back then was to rate something as "Unrated" when in fact it was the R cut, the same can be said for today's crap with "Unrated" slapped on the box.

3 dead teenagers, 1 dead special needs dude. 1 bad movie.

4/10

Escape From Women's Prison (1974)

Director - Giovanni Brusadori



"They're Bustin' Out!"

I'll say.

Four political prisoners escape from the big house, high jack a charter bus full of 18 year old tennis playing chicks then it's a home invasion on the judge who put them behind bars. The jailbait is locked up in the basement, but they're in mini-skirts and naturally the tops start flying off. The tough convict broads go about raping any and all other females and males in this fancy mansion, run around with guns, use foul language, and so on and so forth.

It's nothing special, girls with armpit hair take back their freedom while beating the shit out of dudes all the while their shirts are off. Other chicks get smacked around, again just tons...tons of rape. Suddenly the movie turns into a hostage kinda flick, a dude pisses his pants, the girls get even more naked, and of course a dude gets fed dog food by one of the bad ass chicks.

This is a weird movie. It saw a DVD release as a double feature disc, paired with Deported Women of the SS (1976) and it's pretty much only lived on in that format for while. I however tracked down this VHS copy at Ron's Coin and Book in Yakima, Washington last week. That place is where I first bought Fulci's Zombie 2 back in middle school, it's an institution and I can trace back a lot of my life through that crappy store. Anyway the VHS is just awful, there is a high pitched "hummmmm, weeeeeee, hummmm" throughout the entire god damned movie but I couldn't not watch this great piece of cinema. This is the Videoline VHS, and in a twist of fate the "Crazy Mike's Video" sticker is still on the tape with the 2612 W. Nob Hill address (one of the 2 video stores in Yakima that I grew up going to about once a week. I've been working at one of the only surviving Crazy Mike's Video stores for the past 4 years here in Bellingham, WA) and if they used our color coding system the orange dot on the tape indicates this video would have been found in the "Drama" section at the Nob Hill store. Ha. Probably rented really well there.

It's not exactly a Women-in-Prison movie as it is a tough chicks kind of movie. There aren't any prison scenes it mostly takes place at this mansion. It's really bad, but if you're looking for gratuitous nudity, absurd editing ("GET BACK HERE! Me? I'm Hungry" aaaaaaand fade to black? What the fuck?), and some decent girl on girl fights/soft core then this is really the movie for you...and me. Only bummer is the run time, it's 100 minutes. No thanks. Cut and dry movie, you get what you get, hence why this review is so short. More movies of this ilk should be like this.

6/10

Creepozoids (1987)

Director - David DeCoteau



Filmed with the panache of a Cinemax "late night movie" and the production budget to match, Creepozoids is the epitome of late 80's verging on the advancement of 90's movie making (lighting and costumes looked like a 90's soap opera basically) crappy movie. This was right around the time where the video market was getting flooded and VHS manufacturing companies like Lightning Video, and Paragon Video would actually start to finance film production. This isn't the case with Creepozoids, however this is just a reference point as to where this kind of stuff was coming from. Over saturation, quick to make, cheap to make, garbage...and it totally rules.


(Sweet foreign VHS box art and sleeve)

It's the future. World War III to be exact, and five army deserters have bailed on the big one to try and seek refuge in the wasteland that is the USA. Nuclear fallout has ravaged the landscape (er, what looks to be an underpass of a freeway, one of the few exterior shots in the whole flick) and acid rain comes pouring down at a seconds notice. The army dorks stumble upon a seemingly uninhabited warehouse where they decide to hold up for a while. Hey it has running water, hot showers (shower scene time), food, and supplies. Might as well stay for a while. Only the catch is prior to these brainiacs showing up some scientists were pressing random buttons and mixing different colored liquids and made a monster thing that lives in this place. Ruh roh.

Linnea Quigley (Trash in Return of the Living Dead 1985) does a shower scene or two and then the movie just turns into a third rate, ultra low budget Alien rip off. Pretty sweet deal. The laughable creature effects are part of this movie's charm, the thing smashes through the recruits one by one and sneaks around in the dark. The genius of the flick is that it was no doubt all filmed on a couple of sets, in probably just a few weekends, which provides for a stale yet claustrophobic setting (one of which I'm sure was intended but only half delivered since the movie is pretty bad). The humor is intentional? Who knows? The score is goofy. It also has a runtime of just about 70 minutes. The length of which I feel all movies should be.


(Boom. Shower scene.)

Things I've learned from Creepozoids? That Linnea Quigley was in a movie called Robot Ninja (1989) that I really, really, really want to see based on tittle alone. The director, David DeCoteau did in fact direct soft core early-90's porno for channel outlets like Showtime and Cinemax! It all comes full circle now!


(Giant rat...'cause...well why not?)

If you're a fan of the Italian's post nuke stuff, if you liked Alien and want to see what that movie could have been like had it been filmed in a warehouse with a bunch of community theater actors in it, then rent this. If you're a fan of movies like Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987) or Bruno Mattei's genius Rats: Night of Terror (1984) then rent this. I thought for sure my DVD copy was a bootleg, having bought it for way cheap at a recent horror convention, but after digging around I was wrong. It's just a terrible transfer with awful pixilated box art so beware if you are looking to buy it. Watch it with friends. Eat a pizza. Count how many times the alien/baby thing gets lost looking for the guy at the end...seriously it goes on forever. Building "tension" no doubt. Also one of my favorite movie posters, classic 80's cheese.

7/10

Amazonia: The Catherine Miles Story

Director - Mario Gariazzo



Just a not good movie. Lower level cannibal flick. Not nearly as bad as Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals (1978) or other Jess Franco flicks, but really not good. This came in used at the local record store down the street, and I couldn't not buy it. I have been meaning to check this one out ever since reading Jay Slater's brilliant book Eaten Alive!: Italian Cannibal and Zombie Movies (my bible basically over the past 2 years, and I highly suggest reading it if you have the slightest appreciation for anything exploitation related. Well written, funny, poignant, and all with precise research. Truly great reading.) and being curious about it as it's chronologically one of the last true Italian cannibal movies. I guess after Deodata and Lenzi's war was over, so was most of the genre, the stragglers remained, this included. Needless to say I'm morbidly curious as to the late entry nonsense that goes into an already despicable sub-genre of movie making.

Let's start it out that one half of the Mondo Cane team helped make this movie. That was my first raised eyebrow in the intro credits, spotting a "Prosperi" is a clear red flag (or in my case a "rad, what am I getting into now?" feeling) as he is responsible for the strange occurrence of pseudo "shockumentaries" that had their own little niche in the 60's to the 80's. Think Faces of Death but to a grand (dare I say, well done?) degree. Anyway this is a total piece of shit dude, who makes a living on the exploitation of women, animals, and anything else that can bleed or scream on camera. He also had a helping hand in the awful shlock-fest Last House on the Beach (1978), just a notorious dude who I kind of respect. Only he makes terrible movies.


(Kinda got something...right there...good. No, I got it.)

Movie kicks starts with a blow-dart fest and right into a double decapitation-a-thon in the first few minutes. Ok, points are awarded to the Amazonia team. 18 year old Catherine Miles, played by pretty much unknown Elvire Audray (Scorpion With Two Tails 1982, and equally un-watchable Ironmaster 1983) watches her parents get their heads chopped off by blood thirsty savages whilst on vacation in the Amazon. There she is captured and turned into a slave by the tribe.

Audray gives a terrible narration throughout the entire movie, as she describes the horrors of the jungle life she had to be a part of for over a year. The torture, the savage rituals, the complete nonsense garbage plot twists, the cardboard-looking-alligator attacks, the stock animal cruelty footage from old Mondo movies spliced, all of it well documented in a nails on the chalk board running monologue from this chick. The soundtrack is awful too, trying to imitate the main themes of Riz Ortalini's brilliant Cannibal Holocaust score as best as possible only failing so, so, very hard.


(Talk about a real "head case", am I right? Women, I mean...they're not like us guys.)

She falls in love with the suspected murderer of her parents, a brown dude with a terrible Ramones wig and a penchant for head hunting, come to find out he didn't kill her family. The guilty party get their revenge at the end, I wont spoil it for you. The revenge is pretty cool, lots of decap. Before the good stuff, some jungle dudes fight each other one guy is just naked, the other in a loincloth. Pretty cool. Nothing gay about it. Audray's vacant stares (er, her "acting") watch onward as the dudes kind of roll around together, pretty weird scene, not gonna lie. The girls don't "loose" their virginity in the traditional sense in this primitive tribe, why would they? No when they reach the certain age they get the ol' wood stick insert, that just kind of clears it all right up, and now the women are ready for little cannibal making. Again, pretty weird.

Oh yeah, and there is like a ton of female nudity in this movie. Can't really hate it too much, it's like she's never clothed for the entire running time. Good looking out. Skip this, watch the other big 7 cannibal movies. This is bottom of the barrel stuff. Still kind of sweet though.

5/10

Cat In The Brain (1990)

Director - Lucio Fulci



AKA - Nightmare Concert

These kinds of movies shouldn't exist in the 1990's. The time was over, the passion for the genre was gone, times had certainly changed. New York's 42nd Street was being cleaned up, video stores were now reigning king, the days of the grindhouse, the sleaze infested gutters of exploitation theaters were pretty much gone. The directors, the actors, the production companies, now fallen kings to be forgotten for a long while in the politically correct 1990's, the progressive crappy barren wasteland of the 1990's. Fulci dies, Soavi makes the last "real" Italian zombie movie, Argento relegated to TV made movies and complete crap, Carpenter gets soft, Romero makes nothing but irredeemable waste. Italy forgets and moves on. America gets over flooded with cheap direct to video horror.

Dark times. You could say this is Fulci's last "good" movie. I'd say he peaked at The New York Ripper (1982), but that's not to say I don't like the utter trash he put out post-Ripper. This included. Cat In The Brain is a strange one to peg down. Fulci plays (...wait for it), an Italian horror director named...Lucio Fulci who in the midst of making a movie starts loosing his mind. Suddenly he is haunted by the images of his old films and his dreams start to seep into his reality. A killer is on the loose in Italy cutting up victims in the same fashion that Fulci dreams, or has killed in one of his old movies. Is it his own paranoia, or is it actually happening. Think Fellini's 8 1/2 (1963) only ten times dumber. His shrink stalks him, is weird to his wife and other nonsensical stupid things happen. The plot moves along, Fulci looks old as dirt and kinda "getoffamylawn!" if you ask me, but who cares there's like ten decapitation scenes and plenty of naked chicks. Gross naked chicks, but I won't shake my fist at it.


(Guy behind him just so very unamused)

For all of it's faults (and there are plenty, most of the gore scenes are made up of stolen footage from other people's movies), there are some high points. The movie is soaked in the red stuff. Every other minute something is rotting away, or a little kid gets chainsawed, or a hooker gets knifed up. The creepy old guy factor is just...astonishing. Nothing grosser than a zoom in on an old dude's lips as he licks them while he spies on a girl taking a shower. Just kinda bums you out when you look around and you're watching that go down at 4am and you're in your bed alone watching this piece of shit movie.


("acting")

It's kind of a bummer though that soooo much footage was used from other movies. Fulci picks from his own movies, Ghosts of Sodom (1988), When Alice Broke The Mirror (1988) and some others...without permission of course. Bloody Psycho (1989), and Andrea Bianchi's Massacre (1989) are also shamelessly ripped off. So chances are you've seen the coolest gore scenes in Cat... so that sucks.

Enough about the movie itself, let's talk about the discs. Grindhouse Releasing (the same great company that put out the new versions of The Beyond, Pieces, Cannibal Ferox, etc.) put out a gorgeous 2-disc a couple weeks ago, and you probably already know that, because you're reading this and like I have probably been anticipating this release for the last year or so. The lenticular cover is cool, but just a little insert, and it's rare something like 1,50o or so put out. They love doing that crap. The real gem here though is Fulci's Q&A at Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors fest in 1996, just three months before his death. There are no sub-titles for this however which would be great because it's very much a low-quality video camera and some douchey translator kinda-sorta translates Fulci's bullshit. There he talks about how Wes Craven ripped off Cat In The Brain in Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994). Oooooookay, Lucio, yeah fucking right. Some other great interviews where homedude goes on and on about how Italy hates him, and how he doesn't get the respect he deserves and about how he's so full of himself for being great and blah blah blah. The nonsensical ravings of an old lunatic basically. It's rad.

Rent it, buy it if you feel like supporting an awesome DVD company like Grindhouse Releasing. It's got gore by the bucket load, it's got Fulci being a huge weirdo, and cool packaging.

7/10

Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971)

Director - Dario Argento



Finally. Finally available in America on a gorgeous DVD transfer. Throw away your VHS bootleg that you bought for 50$ at a horror con, the very same that I tried to watch but gave up about half way through because the video quality made me want to die. Argento's final entry in his "Animal Trilogy" is here, thanks to the great folks at MYA Communications, it only took nearly half a decade to get here but hey no big deal. Dario's directorial debut was the first of these animal movies (all sharing a theme of an animal or insect in the title), The Bird With the Crystal Plummage (1970), then the follow up and under rated Cat O'Nine Tails (1971) and finally this one. When asked why it had taken him so long to go back to the giallo (Italian thriller genre, spooooky) homedude said that this style of movie was being relegated to b-movie productions with rip-off titles and plots. Dario obviously referring to Lucio Fulci's brilliant A Lizard in a Woman's Skin (1971) and Don't Torture a Duckling (1972) was kind of a prick. He fumbled around doing Italian TV stuff for the mid-70's, and then got around to Deep Red in '75. Speaking of his TV stuff, he started doing a "Hitchcock Presents" kind of show called Door Into Darkness where he had great directors of the day (Luigi Cozzi and the like) present and show off some cool and not so cool episodes. MYA Communications just put this highly sought after show out on DVD as well. It's dece.


(the much cooler VHS cover art. Severed eye-ball=rad-all-the-time.)

Anyway, Four Flies... is pretty crappy at times. By far his most "far-out-70's" movie, it's about a drummer in a swinging rock band who is kind of a little shit, who is involved in the accidental death of a stalker of his. Photographic evidence comes up, and the kid is now black mailed to an extent and pestered by the masked photographer. The plot gets kind of goofy, and very 70's, and super convoluted. Argento has always had snappy, humorous dialog in his movies, but this one had that and comic relief in the role of a homosexual private investigator. Kind of an odd choice, but whatever. The kid gets a gun to protect himself from the constant badgering and bullying from the masked person who is messing with him. The big reveal is at the end, and as per usual I not only didn't really see it coming but I was left going, "wait...but...what? How is it that person?", but it works I suppose.



Not really a bad movie, but not my favorite of the 3 big animal movies. While I like Fulci's swinging 70's giallo, and some other ones like it, this one didn't really capture it well, it just came off as cheesy. Go figure. However there were some cool points going for it. Ennio Morricone's soundtrack was rad, more rocking than his usual jazzy crap, the editing was weird and cool. Scenes spliced and put together really weird, the narrative would jump around but the voice over would keep it together. Kind of cool, very much in it's infancy of things to come. It's beautifully shot, the camera is sleepy and smooth. The ending clues with the "four flies" across the grey velvet is really, really, really cool and clever. It's a good watch, not a lot of thrills or scares, but some good suspense and the best car chase Dario ever filmed.


(The peroxide blonde Mimsy Farmer, super hot. Total fox. Kinda looks like a dude sometimes...don't read too much into that.)

I'm just glad MYA is around right now putting out these weird and hard to find movies. They don't even have a website yet, so it's kind of shrouded in mystery. I get the feeling they're picking up where No Shame DVD left off when they went out of business. I just picked up Sergio Martino's Scorpion With Two Tails (1982) on DVD from this company. Very cool, excited to watch more weird stuff that they put out. Rent this if you are a completest, or if you're interested in seeing Argento's early stuff, or if you are a giallo nerd like myself.

6/10

Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals (1977)

Director - Aristide Massaccesi (aka Joe D'amato)



Considered by many to be one of the "better, no seriously it's actually pretty good" Joe D'amato movies out there, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals is just plain awful. How this shares ranks with "the big 7" (think of "the big 4" thrash bands) third-world cannibal movies is beyond me. Massacre at Dinosaur Valley is a better picture than this piece. That says...a lot. Before we get into this, let me say that I've only seen like 5 D'amato movies, and each one I've had to struggle to get through. Think Bruno Mattei, only bad. Like a 3rd rate rip off guy, D'amato is an enigma. If you ever get a chance, there is a brilliant documentary on the Shriek Show 2-disc for Anthropophagus: The Grim Reaper, that sheds some sort of light on this weird dude.


(Tried finding a picture of Gemser with her clothes on, closest I found here. Nice.)

Short and skinny, dude made tons, and tons of pornos and some decent little exploitation flicks along the way that contained more elements of his pornos than they did with the actual genre they were masquerading as. Dabbled in post-nuke stuff; 2020: Texas Gladiators (1982), Endgame (1983). Took the soft-core goddess Laura Gemser to her rise in greatness with half a dozen or so of the Emanuelle movies. Sword & Sandal stuff, you might remember the episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 for "Cave Dwellers" that was actually his sequel Ator 2 (1984). He even made a movie, brilliantly titled, Porno Holocaust (1980) which I've been trying to track down for a couple of years now. So you see the caliber of person I'm dealing with here, dude made his mark on crappy flicks in the 70's, and 80's, and was making movie until he died in 1999. Pretty rad.

Emanuelle... stars Laura Gemser, one of my favorite ladies of the 70's and 80's, as that sassy undercover reporter who bangs tons of dudes and chicks while getting into wacky misadventure after misadventure. This time our story takes her from a insane asylum in downtown New York to the jungles of the Amazon. Story kicks off, she's undercover as a patient in this asylum trying to uncover dirt on patient treatment by the staff I'm assuming. While she's there a nurse runs into her with her breast bitten off, low and behold a hysterical patient from the depths of the Amazon bit her because she was hungry for tit or something, I don't know. Emanuelle investigates in a scene that really sets the tone of the flick. The biter cannibal chick is tied down to a bed, Emanuelle goes in, finger blasts the sedated patient for no good reason, snaps a picture and peaces out. Yes, please.


(Death cam from some stupid nun that just haaaad to go with the rest of the gang.)

The flick gets weirder and more absurd by the minute. The boss at the newspaper allows her to go investigate the "last of the cannibals in the farthest reaches of the Amazon jungle", yada yada yada, she breaks the news to her boyfriend, they bang in what seems to be a trash heap in the harbor of New York. She goes and copulates with some anthropologist dude who decides to tag along for the jungle adventure. They bail to the Amazon and it takes a god damned hour to get to one bit of stupid native savage who kills/eats someone, I can't even remember what happened it was that dull and shitty. There is however killer-cam in this, which pre-dates everyone's favorite Halloween by one year. Sort of a mouth breathing "cannibal-cam", so that's nice.

They meet up with some weirdos in the jungle, for some reason a nun tags along (there is a tinge of anti-missionary Christian work in here that is cool...more or less the nun gets filleted.), tons of stupid shit happens, oh no a big snake, someone shoot it. Cool, there's no on-screen animal brutality, so that's stupid. Not much on the gore front, but there is a cool scene where some chick gets captured by the cannibals, and then the mean spirited might-as-well-be-evil natives cut up her vagina and pull out her lady parts and intestines and stuff. Only bit in the movie that made me cringe, shit was pretty brutal. So that was cool, but still pretty tame. Also, I'm not a zoologist or anything but, and stop me if I'm wrong here, chimps do not reside in the Amazon right? I don't know why I would let something as trivial like that get to me in a movie as dumb as this, but it just did.

Emanuelle rescues some chick by getting naked and distracting the savages and then they take off by boat. Not much good about this one, the lighting is super dark in some jungle-love scenes, it's obviously super racist which is fine but it's not even clever, and the score fucking BLOWS. By far my least favorite of the big 7 cannibal movies, required viewing as it may be, it somehow manages to come up short. Go figure it's a soft-core porn set in the jungle...why I don't like it is beyond me, pretty much a recipe for greatness.

4/10